I quit online farming officially as of today. Or at least i put my farm on hiatus for now. I stare at my laptop screen with a blank mind. Rather than saying “I have nothing to do”, it’s more appropriate to say “I want to do nothing”.
My fingers are so heavy. Every alphabets i typed require more efforts. It’s like i’m defying gravity.
Left alone in a room made cold by air conditioner, i am drowning in silence. My life in my hometown is what i usually described as the "princess in golden cage” life, nicely pampered but left alone in an infinite extension of nothingness. The nothingness only princesses on top of the tower could feel, because they are too well pampered.
With something to do all the time, i don’t think about life as much as i do when i’m stuck in the golden cage. Being fed and taken care of feel nice, but since all my basic needs are fulfilled, i can only yearn for more unnecessary things that i do not need. There’s someone somewhere in this world yearning for just food or a chance to live and here i am sitting here thinking that my life sucks while i basically have everything. First world problem. A girl who has too much.
I wish i yearn for less. I wish i need nothing. And so i don’t have to keep on searching.
But i can’t erase this feeling of my mind.
“I feel sorry for him, poor guy” said my anonymous dear friend while we were chatting yesterday. “You can’t even cook, he needs to earn sh*t load of money to hire a good cook and a cleaner” I feel sorry for you too even though i know you don’t mind. I am a princess. And you could kill me so easily by breaking my credit card into half. That’s how fragile i am. And i know it to the bottom of my heart that i try my best not to expose myself to the outside world, because i know i will die.
And the golden cage is actually a double-sided blade.
Fairytale's princesses were willing to leave their cages, that’s probably why they are not real. In real life, leaving your comfort zone is never easy. Especially when it’s really really comfortable. There’s no reason to torture yourself unless you really needed to.
The golden cage is a big pair of magnifying glasses. From the view of people inside, the hardship and the danger of the outside world are enlarged by many scales. So even though princess Natsu knows she is capable of surviving in the outside world and might be even more successful than people who are already on the outside, she will not leave her cage.
However, it's iced cold up here in this small little cage, high up in the sky of ecstasy.
Eventually, one day i have to jump down.
Jump down. And work my way up. Just to know i could choose to fly the way i want with the person i chose. So this time i earn my own happiness. And it's not being fed to me.
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