7 Mar 15 - Hug

Sometime when no one is home , i just lay down on my bed to close my eyes. Rolling on my cold bed i can feel the chill in the air even after the air conditioner got turned off. It’s a very weird feeling when the cold creeps on to you and started to fade away along side all the trace of any human being in the room. 20 minutes later, no one could even tell that the room used to be occupied. All that’s left are the heavy air that pressure my body and nothingness.

The room feels very different from my room in Japan. There’s no ‘you’ in the atmosphere. But i can feel your in my heart like a faded memory. It seems so long ago, that i actually get to talk to you in person. Since the most recent memories i have of you are all those Skype calls. You from the screen started to be more vivid than you who were next to me. At least in my memory pool. That’s probably why i sometime feel insecure, i just needed to hug you so tight and kiss you on the cheek. I just need to feel your presence, your warmth and your love.

Long distance relationship is indeed hard. Like you said, if you could just be there next to me and hug me, all my problem would have been solved. It’s that easy. We don’t even need to argue for an hour on the same topic. And for that reason, I cherished our relationship for how simple it could be. At the end of the day i just need to hug you. 

Last night, while i was browsing the internet sleepily and you were working on the competition, I came across an article called "24 real-life habits of actual couples” on Facebook. I can’t remember who shared it and i didn’t finish the whole thing. I stopped at this paragraph.

“When you say, “Sorry for being a jerk,” the other person is forced to either call you a jerk, or say it wasn’t a big deal. Instead, say “thank you for being so patient with me.” It let’s the other person know you understand your shortcomings and it gives them an opportunity to tell you they love you.”

Come to think of it, i always say something like that. There was one night i cried just because i think i’m very boring to you and i'm afraid of losing you. It’s embedded deep inside my bone that i always blame myself first. So i keep on saying ’sorry for being whiny and stupid’ and the only thing you could say was ‘don’t cry’. 

So suddenly i have a feeling i should have said this to you. 

“Thank you for being so patient with me”  and "I love you"

5 Mar 15 - Jotted it down

I have been feeling down this couple of days. I feel very sorry for keeping you up at night on our Skype call whining about things. Somehow, the more we stay together, the more i want to pour my emotions at you. I think you are already in my comfort zone and i can talk to you about what i can’t even talk to my family. And because you care, so you listen, more deeply than anybody else.

In my heart, i always fear of your absence. I’m afraid that one day being whiny might chase you away. I guess i love you too much and you’re so important to me that i have become paranoid of losing you. Or it’s because i haven’t seen you in person for a while so i can’t feel your warm, and your warm was the thing that make me feel secure. 

You always say, you won’t give up on me as long as i don’t give up on you, i hope it stays true because i’m definitely not gonna give up on you. 

I found it really hard to not talk about things when i’m around you. I don’t know why all the feelings i kept inside will flow out when i see your face. But then again, maybe i shouldn’t talk about everything. No one wants to hear it and it’s boring.

Yesterday night, as i stared at you looking sleepy and hugging your pillow like a cute little boy, i suddenly remembered why i started a blog. It’s for me not to be whiny. If i concentrated my thoughts and put it in a form of strings of words, it would be more concise and it would be less annoying. At least you can choose not to re ad. Come to think of it, i whine less during our first Skype calls but we rather talk about things. Because i already release some parts of my feeling here.

One of the topic we discussed about on one of the sad nights where you just looked plain dead during our calls, was the future. As you already know, i have no goal in life and i have no idea what i wanted to do. I think about a lot of things then i always come back to the same solutions. I just want to be near you so i’ll just find work to do, around where you are, and then i’ll just think about that later. Who knows, working my give me some guidance on what i like and what i don’t. If i have a office routine job or whatsoever, i can still write…just write anything, even a novel, a long the way. I thought about writing our family biography after “the hulk fridge” incident. I seriously think we have a good story to share here. But i have not yet came up with a format of writing. And come to think of it since our lives are just starting, i don’t have an ending to it. But i should keep the idea in mind.

Today entry is totally not poetic and is not novel-like in anyway. It’s a bit of my normal diary writing style here but i just want to jot down my thought for the day, so i don’t splash it at you tonight.

Love,

Natsu

25 Feb 15 - Strings of memories

I dreamt of you again today.

I don’t know if it’s because of the construction site next to me that i never get a proper sleep or it’s just some unanswered feelings at the bottom of my heart. I don’t have dreams that i could remember wholly this often. Usually it’s gone by the second i opened my eyes in the morning.

But this morning i can feel myself lying on my bed. Unconsciously, i roll around in my fluffy blanket while at the same time feel my presence in the other parallel world. I was standing in a giant size twin building with a robot-like modern design that makes the building look like pieces of metal melted together. In between two buildings is a weak wooden tube that lie across a very busy street. Cars pass so fast you can’t see their existences. They are just shades of light, glittering in a deep dark world with no light and sound. The sky has no moon. 

The road that cut between the twin buildings is endless. It’s a straight line that extended infinitely almost like a rubber band strapped to the earth surface. Other than that, there’s nothing but borderless darkness. 

 I think it was a university complex. The first building which happens to be the one i am standing in is the station side. Using the wooden tube connecting the two buildings together, you can cross the street of light and go to the other side. It’s strange considering all the other parts of the buildings are metal, but the only things that connects them is a small little wooden tube that’s only wide enough for a person to walk in.

I stare at people, walking and talking. Inside of the building is almost like a beehive, sophisticated maze-like design and a buzz everywhere. I feel no surprise. It’s as if i am one of those people in this building. It’s as if walking towards the wooden tube bridge is just part of my daily life. 

I wanted to cross the bridge to the other side for no reason. I climbed the tiny stair and found myself inside the tube. It’s divided into 2 parts. Upper part is a walkway that is the usual route for commuters, and lower part is just a blank space. I walked on the lower one. No one was there. 

There were food dishes attached to the ceiling which basically is the floor of the upper part. Fried rice, sausages and some ice-cream. I scoop some fried rice out with curiosity. It’s edible but it won’t drop down unless you scoop it out.

You were standing at a big empty hall at the end of the other side of this tube. This building is a bit less crowded. The atmosphere was almost like there’s fog and smoke clinging on to the air. Things are very grey.

“Let’s go watch movie” you told me after i walked toward you. You were wearing your red Uniqlo turtle neck and the one and only blue scarf you own. Your hands are filled with books and a tiny reused snack box which i’m pretty sure has a satellite or some GPS chip inside. Your smile was the most warming thing in the place, just like usual. Everything feel so normal as if we are parts of this weird iced cold metal town that never existed.

I don’t remember the rest of the conversation, nor the rest of the bizarre sets of event in this dream, but I remember we walked together through the wooden tube, back to the station building where the cinema is. This is the first time i see my dream self up close. The girl walking and talking to you was only as tall as your shoulder. She looks like a better looking, anime-ish me. With her hair tied up messily and her tiny body, she's beautiful without even making efforts. In every dream except the last one that we were in McDonald’s cafe, i have never look like the real me.

We talked until we reached the cinema. And my dream ended as i walked through the cinema door that leads to a giant room filled with towers of red chairs. I turned into Robin from How i met your mother and you were gone, disappeared like you were never there. My transition between two dreams was pretty smooth I would say. I walked inside, apparently I am joining Ted’s stand up comedy. I was late, Ted mocked me, and i went to sit next to Barney.

I opened my eyes after Barney turned to talk to me. The morning arrived in the mist of confusion. My dream today was probably a set of strings of memories knitted together. Probably i miss you. And probably i played too much Kingdom Hearts.

21 Feb 15 - A part of me

Since when does being at home make me feel like i’m on holiday. Through the transparent curtain of my giant bedroom, lies flowers and trees. Green glasses spread across the front yard with little birds flying around. It has been ages since i last heard a bird sings. Some details in life, we never really remember.

My life used to be more refreshing. And I used to have more space. Since i fall in love with living in a cube inside the skyscraper forest, i never look back. But nothing beats waking up to a fresh morning with a cup of black coffee and warm light sneaking through curtains. Though the fact that my room is always air-coned make the whole i love nature thing pretty much fake, i still appreciate a little bit of nature. Never are things nice at an extreme level.

I took some parts of the room with me. Everywhere i go. Just so the cube i am renting in the city feel a bit more like home, i attached a photo of him on the wall. Every photos of him i put on any kind of walls, always look like a foreign object that ruins the atmosphere. But that foreign object is my object. It’s what make any kind of place mine.

My feeling towards him has evaporate through time. But that string will never vanish. It's invisible and it’s as light as feather, almost a none existent object. But it’s always there. And i love for it to be there.

Now i see him more like an imaginary friend who i talk to during hard time. I told him secrets that i never expose to anyone. I took a guy from reality and i turn him into something else. I don’t care anymore as to what he does in real life, but he lasts forever in my memory, in a form of some kind of saviour. 

Probably we all have that kind of function in our brain, the cope-with-sadness function, but i just turn that function into a character, that basically look like him.

I found myself distanced from him when life is good. I talk to him only in desperate time. I don’t know if it make myself more desperate considering i am talking to a poster on a wall, but at least it help me notice that whenever i talk to him and cry, i have sink to the lowest of the low.

Lately i haven’t been talking to him though. There’s someone else who i love to share my secrets with. And this time he talks back with a shining smile that will  give your heart a pump of fresh air. I can always feel a sense of security  hidden in that warming vibes when you smile. “It will be alright”, that’s the feeling.

Home is the most comfortable place for body and soul. Who knows, probably, i might have found something that feel more like home than him. 

19 Feb 15 - Iced cold cage

I quit online farming officially as of today. Or at least i put my farm on hiatus for now. I stare at my laptop screen with a blank mind. Rather than saying “I have nothing to do”, it’s more appropriate to say “I want to do nothing”. 

My fingers are so heavy. Every alphabets i typed require more efforts. It’s like i’m defying gravity.

Left alone in a room made cold by air conditioner, i am drowning in silence. My life in my hometown is what i usually described as the "princess in golden cage” life,  nicely pampered but left alone in an infinite extension of nothingness. The nothingness only princesses on top of the tower could feel, because they are too well pampered. 

With something to do all the time, i don’t think about life as much as i do when i’m stuck in the golden cage. Being fed and taken care of feel nice, but since all my basic needs are fulfilled, i can only yearn for more unnecessary things that i do not need. There’s someone somewhere in this world yearning for just food or a chance to live and here i am sitting here thinking that my life sucks while i basically have everything. First world problem. A girl who has too much.

I wish i yearn for less. I wish i need nothing. And so i don’t have to keep on searching.

But i can’t erase this feeling of my mind.

“I feel sorry for him, poor guy” said my anonymous dear friend while we were chatting yesterday. “You can’t even cook, he needs to earn sh*t load of money to hire a good cook and a cleaner” I feel sorry for you too even though i know you don’t mind. I am a princess. And you could kill me so easily by breaking my credit card into half. That’s how fragile i am. And i know it to the bottom of my heart that i try my best not to expose myself to the outside world, because i know i will die. 

And the golden cage is actually a double-sided blade.

Fairytale's princesses were willing to leave their cages, that’s probably why they are not real. In real life, leaving your comfort zone is never easy. Especially when it’s really really comfortable. There’s no reason to torture yourself unless you really needed to.

The golden cage is a big pair of magnifying glasses. From the view of people inside, the hardship and the danger of the outside world are enlarged by many scales. So even though princess Natsu knows she is capable of surviving in the outside world and might be even more successful than people who are already on the outside, she will not leave her cage.

However, it's iced cold up here in this small little cage, high up in the sky of ecstasy. 

Eventually, one day i have to jump down. 

Jump down. And work my way up. Just to know i could choose to fly the way i want with the person i chose. So this time i earn my own happiness. And it's not being fed to me.

18 Feb 15 - Timewheel

Mom woke me up at 7.30 today. It’s Chinese new year eve. I dragged myself out of bed and sat in the car hugging my big black coffee bottle until i reached home. My dad was standing in the front yard carrying plates full of duck and chicken. The sun is not too bright so my mood stay stable. I jumped out of the car and my two giant dogs jumped at me. Tiger seems happy to see me but he was more calm than he used to be. Even my little Turbo has aged. When i throw stuff for him to run and catch, he just walk to get them and walk back.

The caffeine kicked in a bit after i ran around with my dogs for a while. Home always feel like home even though some bits have changed through time. The tree in front of the house died and dad replaced it with a small tank with lotus floating in it. And when i’m away mom decided to install a small little waterfall to enhance her own luck. It was weird at first but i got used to it pretty fast.

The world flows by like river flows when my brain is not fully awaken. The next thing i remember was myself standing in front of my grandpa’s photo. It has been a while, 8 years to be exact, since he passed away. It feels like a blink of an eye.

“a love that lasts 10 years huh, i wonder how that feel like, does it even exist” is what i usually think when i watch romantic movies or read about someone love stories that their loved one passed away and they were never able to get over it for decades. 10 years. That sounds like a very long time for a 20 years old girl. That’s like half a life. How could memory lasts that long? i can’t even remember what i had for breakfast yesterday, how am i supposed to maintain those memory of those who departed to the other world.

Then i stared at grandpa faded photo today, and i feel a slight bit of his existence. It was like a cold drop of water, dripped slowly onto my infinite pool of feeling. Just a slight touch and it faded away. Leaving a sense of breeze behind.

I can still remember his voice, echoing in my head when he called me. His fainted smile and the sparkling shine in his eyes when his grandchildren surrounded him. And the last time he used that shaking voice to call me, was almost a decade ago.

And then i knew it. We never really remember all those stupid things like our breakfasts. Or not even what we said to the security guard at the lobby of our apartment just 5 minutes ago. Because that never pass through our hearts, but all of our loved ones did.

I cannot remember him but i can still feel him. That’s probably why i always feel a tension in my heart as i teared up during every Chinese new year, when i pray for him. And that’s probably why love can lasts for more than a decade, even though you’re just clinging on to scraps of leftovers and faded memories. Feeling just cannot be undo. 

Somehow i realised just today, that i am capable of truly loving someone, and i will love someone, for a long long time to come.

16 Feb 15 - Unnecessary

I can always feel the time passed by when you’re around. It flows through me like a cold autumn wind that leave a hint of the breeze behind. So fast, the time flies. I wish i could catch a glimpse but it just keep on slipping through my fingers. 

I wish the world pauses, for the moment you share with me.

Before i start typing this, i spent 1 hour on my SUV. Driving between my house and the nearest train station in loop and parked from time to time. I have an appointment which is not that memorable so i rather not talk about it. And the guy i supposed to meet should arrive at the station by 11. But because he doesn’t live in Thailand and he doesn’t have a hand phone, all i could do was wait in my car because the station doesn't have parking lot. 1 hour passed, no one came. And that 1 hour i spent being miserable alone on a very hot SUV parking on the side of the road, was very long.

Everything was still. The heat wave surrounding my car was blurring everything in my eyesight. There was minimal air ventilation. The air become heavy and stiff as it pressed onto my body and soul. The air stops flowing, so does the time.

Never does the time passed by so slow, when you are around.

Tortured moment goes by slowly, happiness passes by so fast. I feel the unfairness of the world as i stare at the road through the heat wave. In a tropical land where there’s only one season which is summer, you can only feel the breeze when happiness is around. Other than that, it will be just your burning soul and the miserable heat wave. 

I miss the happiness you gave me, all of the sudden.

I think i am too kind, like you used to say. I might be tough and harsh on the outside, but i have a kind heart. Too kind it do me bad than good. While i was sitting in my car, a merchant who was selling t-shirts on the pedestrian pavement starred at me, he was probably wondering who i’m waiting for. And i asked myself the same question, why am i still waiting for this guy that i know nothing about. I’m too kind to just leave him there, phoneless and have no idea what’s going on. And probably i’m just afraid of hurting his feeling if i don’t wait. But who cares? normal people would have left because they don’t care for people who don’t care for them. And this relationship is totally not worth saving. But still, Natsu, the indecisive girl, still sat there, trying to save the unnecessary relationship and try not to hurt people feeling. and then again, she unnecessarily handed the time her happiness in trade for other unnecessary people’s happiness.

There’s a lot of unnecessary there. Maybe i should start by focusing on the 'necessary' people around me, rather than those stupid friends on Facebook. 

The person who cares the least is the happiest. I should make that my motto.