7 Mar 15 - Hug

Sometime when no one is home , i just lay down on my bed to close my eyes. Rolling on my cold bed i can feel the chill in the air even after the air conditioner got turned off. It’s a very weird feeling when the cold creeps on to you and started to fade away along side all the trace of any human being in the room. 20 minutes later, no one could even tell that the room used to be occupied. All that’s left are the heavy air that pressure my body and nothingness.

The room feels very different from my room in Japan. There’s no ‘you’ in the atmosphere. But i can feel your in my heart like a faded memory. It seems so long ago, that i actually get to talk to you in person. Since the most recent memories i have of you are all those Skype calls. You from the screen started to be more vivid than you who were next to me. At least in my memory pool. That’s probably why i sometime feel insecure, i just needed to hug you so tight and kiss you on the cheek. I just need to feel your presence, your warmth and your love.

Long distance relationship is indeed hard. Like you said, if you could just be there next to me and hug me, all my problem would have been solved. It’s that easy. We don’t even need to argue for an hour on the same topic. And for that reason, I cherished our relationship for how simple it could be. At the end of the day i just need to hug you. 

Last night, while i was browsing the internet sleepily and you were working on the competition, I came across an article called "24 real-life habits of actual couples” on Facebook. I can’t remember who shared it and i didn’t finish the whole thing. I stopped at this paragraph.

“When you say, “Sorry for being a jerk,” the other person is forced to either call you a jerk, or say it wasn’t a big deal. Instead, say “thank you for being so patient with me.” It let’s the other person know you understand your shortcomings and it gives them an opportunity to tell you they love you.”

Come to think of it, i always say something like that. There was one night i cried just because i think i’m very boring to you and i'm afraid of losing you. It’s embedded deep inside my bone that i always blame myself first. So i keep on saying ’sorry for being whiny and stupid’ and the only thing you could say was ‘don’t cry’. 

So suddenly i have a feeling i should have said this to you. 

“Thank you for being so patient with me”  and "I love you"

5 Mar 15 - Jotted it down

I have been feeling down this couple of days. I feel very sorry for keeping you up at night on our Skype call whining about things. Somehow, the more we stay together, the more i want to pour my emotions at you. I think you are already in my comfort zone and i can talk to you about what i can’t even talk to my family. And because you care, so you listen, more deeply than anybody else.

In my heart, i always fear of your absence. I’m afraid that one day being whiny might chase you away. I guess i love you too much and you’re so important to me that i have become paranoid of losing you. Or it’s because i haven’t seen you in person for a while so i can’t feel your warm, and your warm was the thing that make me feel secure. 

You always say, you won’t give up on me as long as i don’t give up on you, i hope it stays true because i’m definitely not gonna give up on you. 

I found it really hard to not talk about things when i’m around you. I don’t know why all the feelings i kept inside will flow out when i see your face. But then again, maybe i shouldn’t talk about everything. No one wants to hear it and it’s boring.

Yesterday night, as i stared at you looking sleepy and hugging your pillow like a cute little boy, i suddenly remembered why i started a blog. It’s for me not to be whiny. If i concentrated my thoughts and put it in a form of strings of words, it would be more concise and it would be less annoying. At least you can choose not to re ad. Come to think of it, i whine less during our first Skype calls but we rather talk about things. Because i already release some parts of my feeling here.

One of the topic we discussed about on one of the sad nights where you just looked plain dead during our calls, was the future. As you already know, i have no goal in life and i have no idea what i wanted to do. I think about a lot of things then i always come back to the same solutions. I just want to be near you so i’ll just find work to do, around where you are, and then i’ll just think about that later. Who knows, working my give me some guidance on what i like and what i don’t. If i have a office routine job or whatsoever, i can still write…just write anything, even a novel, a long the way. I thought about writing our family biography after “the hulk fridge” incident. I seriously think we have a good story to share here. But i have not yet came up with a format of writing. And come to think of it since our lives are just starting, i don’t have an ending to it. But i should keep the idea in mind.

Today entry is totally not poetic and is not novel-like in anyway. It’s a bit of my normal diary writing style here but i just want to jot down my thought for the day, so i don’t splash it at you tonight.

Love,

Natsu