I have been feeling down this couple of days. I feel very sorry for keeping you up at night on our Skype call whining about things. Somehow, the more we stay together, the more i want to pour my emotions at you. I think you are already in my comfort zone and i can talk to you about what i can’t even talk to my family. And because you care, so you listen, more deeply than anybody else.
In my heart, i always fear of your absence. I’m afraid that one day being whiny might chase you away. I guess i love you too much and you’re so important to me that i have become paranoid of losing you. Or it’s because i haven’t seen you in person for a while so i can’t feel your warm, and your warm was the thing that make me feel secure.
You always say, you won’t give up on me as long as i don’t give up on you, i hope it stays true because i’m definitely not gonna give up on you.
I found it really hard to not talk about things when i’m around you. I don’t know why all the feelings i kept inside will flow out when i see your face. But then again, maybe i shouldn’t talk about everything. No one wants to hear it and it’s boring.
Yesterday night, as i stared at you looking sleepy and hugging your pillow like a cute little boy, i suddenly remembered why i started a blog. It’s for me not to be whiny. If i concentrated my thoughts and put it in a form of strings of words, it would be more concise and it would be less annoying. At least you can choose not to re ad. Come to think of it, i whine less during our first Skype calls but we rather talk about things. Because i already release some parts of my feeling here.
One of the topic we discussed about on one of the sad nights where you just looked plain dead during our calls, was the future. As you already know, i have no goal in life and i have no idea what i wanted to do. I think about a lot of things then i always come back to the same solutions. I just want to be near you so i’ll just find work to do, around where you are, and then i’ll just think about that later. Who knows, working my give me some guidance on what i like and what i don’t. If i have a office routine job or whatsoever, i can still write…just write anything, even a novel, a long the way. I thought about writing our family biography after “the hulk fridge” incident. I seriously think we have a good story to share here. But i have not yet came up with a format of writing. And come to think of it since our lives are just starting, i don’t have an ending to it. But i should keep the idea in mind.
Today entry is totally not poetic and is not novel-like in anyway. It’s a bit of my normal diary writing style here but i just want to jot down my thought for the day, so i don’t splash it at you tonight.
Love,
Natsu
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