Mom woke me up at 7.30 today. It’s Chinese new year eve. I dragged myself out of bed and sat in the car hugging my big black coffee bottle until i reached home. My dad was standing in the front yard carrying plates full of duck and chicken. The sun is not too bright so my mood stay stable. I jumped out of the car and my two giant dogs jumped at me. Tiger seems happy to see me but he was more calm than he used to be. Even my little Turbo has aged. When i throw stuff for him to run and catch, he just walk to get them and walk back.
The caffeine kicked in a bit after i ran around with my dogs for a while. Home always feel like home even though some bits have changed through time. The tree in front of the house died and dad replaced it with a small tank with lotus floating in it. And when i’m away mom decided to install a small little waterfall to enhance her own luck. It was weird at first but i got used to it pretty fast.
The world flows by like river flows when my brain is not fully awaken. The next thing i remember was myself standing in front of my grandpa’s photo. It has been a while, 8 years to be exact, since he passed away. It feels like a blink of an eye.
“a love that lasts 10 years huh, i wonder how that feel like, does it even exist” is what i usually think when i watch romantic movies or read about someone love stories that their loved one passed away and they were never able to get over it for decades. 10 years. That sounds like a very long time for a 20 years old girl. That’s like half a life. How could memory lasts that long? i can’t even remember what i had for breakfast yesterday, how am i supposed to maintain those memory of those who departed to the other world.
Then i stared at grandpa faded photo today, and i feel a slight bit of his existence. It was like a cold drop of water, dripped slowly onto my infinite pool of feeling. Just a slight touch and it faded away. Leaving a sense of breeze behind.
I can still remember his voice, echoing in my head when he called me. His fainted smile and the sparkling shine in his eyes when his grandchildren surrounded him. And the last time he used that shaking voice to call me, was almost a decade ago.
And then i knew it. We never really remember all those stupid things like our breakfasts. Or not even what we said to the security guard at the lobby of our apartment just 5 minutes ago. Because that never pass through our hearts, but all of our loved ones did.
I cannot remember him but i can still feel him. That’s probably why i always feel a tension in my heart as i teared up during every Chinese new year, when i pray for him. And that’s probably why love can lasts for more than a decade, even though you’re just clinging on to scraps of leftovers and faded memories. Feeling just cannot be undo.
Somehow i realised just today, that i am capable of truly loving someone, and i will love someone, for a long long time to come.
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